


Becoming Whole Again

by stevetiny



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Divorce, Domestic Avengers, Light Angst, M/M, Parent Steve Rogers, Parent Tony Stark, Post-Divorce, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-03-06 15:28:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18853858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stevetiny/pseuds/stevetiny
Summary: Steve didn't know that he would regret becoming a parent.





	Becoming Whole Again

The endless trail of trees guided Steve down the everlasting dark road. He wished he could lose himself in the blurred scene, but the pang of regret sulking in his stomach didn’t allow his thoughts to rest. Driving as slow as possible, the pressure of his right foot was next to nothing on the gas pedal. Thankfully, there was no one else on the road. Knowing that he had to pick up his daughter, Morgan, every weekend filled him with dread. Tony had sole custody of her but, that didn’t bother Steve though. He never wanted full custody of her to begin with.

 

He drove as slow as possible to delay what waited for him once he finally reached his destination. The distance from Brooklyn to his and Tony’s old house was time consuming but, Steve wished it to be even longer. It was the house that was often too painful to look at. It held too many memories. The house that was once so full of love before the warmth seeped out quietly, gradually from the cracks. If Steve were being honest, he wasn’t sure if there was any left. He glanced down at his empty ring finger and tried to silence his thoughts. Most times, especially when he was alone, he could still feel the golden band wrapped snug around it. So many years ago.

 

All those years ago.

 

He turned his attention back towards the road. He needed to move on. He had to. It had been about four years since the divorce and it hurt to say that things hadn’t gotten any better for him. The remorse never ceased. It always lingered behind him, wrapping its lonesome arms around him when he was most vulnerable. The guilt and the loss he felt still ate away at him most nights. The thing was, Steve didn’t hate kids. He never minded them. If anything, he was somewhat indifferent about them.

 

That never meant he actually wanted one.

 

The first few years of his marriage with Tony were steady. Easy, even. As time went on, they became a deterrent to each others more aggressive and unstable behavior. They balanced eachother out most often than not. Missions were more a success and decisions regarding the team were more coordinated. They were fluid and in synchronization with each other on the battlefield and at home.

 

When Steve came out of the ice, he thought he didn’t have anyone. Until he finally met the love of his life.  

 

Tony gave him a home.

 

Tony was his home.

 

But then, Tony wanted more. He wanted to spend less time on the battlefield and more time… at _home_ , their home. It didn’t take long for Steve to realize that Tony had an insatiable desire to have kids, he wanted a family. And that sounded great on the outside, but to Steve, that terrified him to his core. He wasn’t ready to make that big of a jump. Marriage was already something he never thought he could have, but did. It was perfect. He had never been happier.

 

But Steve wasn’t so sure about starting a family.

 

Having a kid demanded a tremendous amount of responsibility. There was time and sacrifice. Steve knew that if he became a father, he would have to give up the shield. He thought he would be okay with it, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he would never be able to let go. Cap was all Steve ever knew. He was fearful to lose that part of himself for a new life that he wasn’t even sure he wanted.

 

But Tony, as always, loved him in such a way that made Steve feel like he could do anything. His husband consoled him and said that starting a family might be the best thing that has ever happened to them. At that point, Steve felt a bit inspired. Maybe with enough planning, he could still have the shield and manage a family. And, who knew? Perhaps Tony was right. Fatherhood might of been the next best thing.

 

It broke Steve’s heart to say this, even think this, but he regretted nothing more than becoming a parent.

 

When he held his daughter in his arms for the first time, he knew that was a mistake. He instantly descended into a downwards spiral of loathing and discontentment. Before, he was unsure about kids but within the first year he knew deep _deep_ down that he didn’t want this.

 

At that moment, there was no more Captain America. He couldn’t do what he was _made_ for and it broke him. His new life revolved around that child. Tony couldn’t handle her alone, so Steve stayed. It was strenuous and exhausting.

 

Tony took parenting like a fish to water. He knew how to hold her, how to calm her down, how to be a good dad, how to _love_ her. He was perfect.

 

More than that.

 

Whenever he offered her to bond with Steve the blond would often shy away, rejecting the offer. When she was young, he often kept his distance. If anything, he only held her about three times when she was a baby. Even now, he still felt uneasy touching her. It was often difficult.

 

As she grew, whenever Steve looked at her it reminded him that Captain America was fading away. _He_ was fading away. Steve Rogers was now a pathless ghost doing whatever needed to be done to get through the day. He was miserable to say the least, but he was still there. He was always around to pick her up from figure skating practice and he sat through each and every one of her ballet recitals. Never a minute early but never a second late.

 

Steve knew he wasn’t a _bad_ parent, but he wasn’t necessarily a great one either.  He was there, yes. But, he wasn't as committed and affectionate as Tony was. For the longest time, Steve thought there was something wrong with him. Maybe there was. Being with his own daughter was tiring and looking at her filled him with sorrow of what else could’ve been. He tried his best to ignore it. He sucked it up and kept on going because it didn’t matter how he felt. This wasn't about him. It was about _her_ . Steve may of felt burdened with the task of being her father, but he wanted to do a good job. He _wanted_ his daughter to have a good life.

 

He did love her.

 

He did.  

 

All he wished was that he enjoyed raising her as much as Tony did. He wished he could be the person Tony needed him to be. And Steve tried. He has been trying. He’s been trying so hard to be _good_ , to be _happy_ , to be _thankful_. But it was easier said than done. His life has become a suffocating misery since she came along. He’s being honest with himself.

 

He hated _this_ . He hated his _life_. But he didn’t hate her.

 

Never.

 

When they were still married, Tony thought that Steve needed some time to get used to everything. That wasn’t the case though. Steve knew he had no true enjoyment from this big lifestyle change. Once he came clean to Tony about how he felt, it made him upset. More than that.

 

Steve never thought it was possible for Tony to cry that much.

 

After that, things weren’t the same. It put a serious strain on their relationship and made their life even more difficult. Day by day it felt as if their love was fizzling out like an old spark. At the worst times, Steve thought of walking out but he could never do that to his kid. She didn’t deserve that.

 

It didn’t take long for Steve and Tony to finally divorce. Nobody’s fault. Luckily, it was clean, smooth, and quick. There were no harsh feelings towards each other. To Steve, however, it was bittersweet. It meant no Morgan, but it also meant no more Tony.

 

They haven’t spent much time together after that. Steve threw himself back into battle whenever he could and Tony spent his time caring for Morgan and helping S.H.I.E.L.D whenever he could.

 

Morgan was six now and Steve was thankful. There were only twelve more years of this before she goes to college. Just twelve more years… twelve more years…

 

Until then, he would have to continue _this_ . He was still Cap, just not as often as he wanted to be. He only went on local missions and tried to help out wherever he could. He couldn’t travel too far because his family needed him on weekends. He was still trying though, he was. He was trying to be _good_. Even though this new lifestyle sucked away his own happiness, Steve truly did love his daughter and he wasn’t going to let his emotions interfere with her upbringing.

 

As the full lake house came into view, Steve’s shoulders hung down with the choices of his past. When he pulled into the dark brown driveway, he saw Tony sitting with Morgan on the steps of the house. She had on a light blue dress and had a pink backpack resting next to her. It was the one Steve remembered getting her for her birthday this year.

 

The blond then gazed at Tony who looked even better than he imagined. All he wore was a simple black cardigan and a burgundy shirt that was a little big on him.

 

Steve remembered that shirt because it used to be his.

 

The longer he stared at him, the more guilt he felt. He should be living with them, _here_. Not alone in Brooklyn. They should all be together, eating dinner as a family. Not seeing each other once every weekend. He parked his car and clenched his jaw, looking down. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in.

 

_‘I miss you…  and I’m so sorry for not being what you need.’_

 

Regaining his composure, he opened the car door and stepped out. He stared at them with soft eyes as he put his hands inside of the pockets of his leather jacket. He didn’t take a single step closer. He kept his eyes on Tony, only Tony and let out an aching smile. “Hi, Tony,” He said.

 

That was all he said.

 

Tony then looked away from Morgan and up to him. Steve was glad to see that Tony looked extremely well and was taking care of himself. Somehow, he was even more beautiful than Steve remembered. All he did was stare into Tony’s warm brown eyes and it made him feel safe again. It made him feel at home.

 

When he began grinning back it took every fiber in Steve's body to stay still. He was restraining himself from simply running up to Tony to hug him, kiss him, hold him, to love him.

 

For the first time in a long time, Steve gave a genuine smile back.

 

When he looked into Tony’s eyes, he was home. The memories that came flooding back didn’t make Steve as sad as they used to. Instead, he was filled with gratitude to know that he, a man who used to have nothing, had the ability to experience a love so profound that it hurt when it was gone.

 

Not that he ever stopped loving Tony.

 

He would give anything to make those memories a reality once again.

 

“Papa!” Morgan jumped up excitedly and smiled at him. Her long brown hair was like a little bird’s nest on her head. Her face was bright and her smile wide. Her happiness cast the light of a thousand suns when she looked at her other father.

 

When Steve turned his attention to her, he had to force himself to look happy. He tried to smile, but he was sure it turned out to be more of an accidental grimace. He then gave her a small, unenthusiastic wave.

 

He watched as Tony got Morgan’s attention and then bent down so he was at her eye level. With ease, he brushed her hair out of her eyes and patted it down. He pulled a bobby pin from his pocket and then, as he’s probably done a thousand times before, styled back her hair. He then took a hair tie from his wrist and then put her hair into a low bun. As he pulled her close for a hug, he kissed her forehead about a dozen times. He smiled at her proudly and she then repeated the gesture.

 

The gaze in Tony’s eyes was overflowing with pure admiration. It consumed him. As Steve stood and stared, he wished that somehow Tony could share some of it with him.

 

Just a little.

 

Morgan then took one last look at Tony before slinging her backpack over her shoulder and running over towards Steve. She hugged his lower body with everything she had. Steve tensed, but tried his best not to peel her away. He gave her a single pat on the head before turning back towards Tony.

 

He gave him two shaky thumbs up and mouthed, _‘Good luck.’_

 

_‘Thank you.’_

 

“I missed you so much Papa!” She hugged him even tighter, “I missed you!”

 

Steve wanted to say he missed her too, but his daughter didn’t deserve to be lied to. He broke his gaze away from Tony and stared sorrowfully down at the drive way.  “Lets go get some ice cream, yeah?”

 

As she looked up and smiled at him, he looked down and tried not to frown.

 

He rose his head back up to Tony and gave him a final nod goodbye. Tony gave a quick nod back. Turning back to his daughter, “Go on. Get in.” He said, his voice low. Once she let go, he slid into the driver’s seat and patiently waited for Morgan to get settled in the back. She climbed in and smiled at Steve. “Seatbelt!” She giggled playfully.

 

Steve said nothing.

 

He kept his eyes on Tony.

 

Just Tony.

 

Only Tony.

 

He had to savor these last moments because this was the closest he could get just to being with him. Seeing Tony’s face was the only thing that reminded Steve to keep going. It reminded him that he had a home. It reminded Steve that he was safe.

 

“We haven’t left the driveway yet, Papa.” Morgan asked innocently, “Is something wrong?”

 

“No,” He clenched his jaw, shutting his eyes once again. He shook his head and tried his best not to cry, “Everything is fine.”

 

As he took his time to pull out of the driveway, Tony started fading away like the miniscule blip of happiness Steve felt in those few moments. To his despair, he was soon left with the view of endless green trees and a small child in the back.

 

“You’ll never believe what happened the other day!” She exclaimed.

 

_‘Tony.’_

 

“Papa?”

 

“Hm?” Steve glanced at her briefly through his rear view mirror before turning back to the road, “I’m sorry?”

 

She crossed her arms playfully and was practically jumping up and down in her seat. “You have to guess, silly!”

 

“Tell me.” Steve’s voice was flat. He didn’t take his eyes off of the road.

 

“Well,” She took a deep breath in, “I finally landed one of my spins at ice skating practice and then Dad told me how proud he was of me and then we went out to get cheeseburgers!”

 

“That’s...  nice.”

 

His daughter continued beaming with joy, “And then we went outside the other day and we saw a daddy deer and his babies! He reminded me of you because you’re tall and the dear was tall!”

 

“Mhm.”

 

“And then Dad and I watched a movie together and then after that we went to the grocery store and then we got some of the fruit pops! And then I ate my favorite one-”

 

_‘Strawberry.’_

 

“The strawberry one! I love it so much!”

 

“Thats nice.”

 

“Yeah! I had a lot of fun!” She started to quiet down and her expression began to calm. She turned and stared at all of the trees, her eyes glowing with interest. “The trees are very pretty. I drew some at school on tuesday… I think...”

 

Steve said nothing.

 

It was peacefully quiet in the car for a few beats before his daughter chirped up again, “Are you still beating up bad guys? Cause I wanna do that one day!” She jokingly started punching the air in front of her, “Pow pow pow!”

 

Steve’s grip tightened on the steering wheel. He didn’t look back at her. “Yes, Morgan.” He was emotionless, “I’ve been beating up the bad guys.”

 

She stopped and placed her hands in her lap and swung her legs, “Dad and I looked at the stars last night. They were really pretty. We even drew some of them.”

 

His grip loosened, “Thats nice.”

 

“Dad even started talking about you before we went inside and ate some fruit-”

 

“What did he say?” Steve blurted. He looked at her longer than he had since he arrived at the lake house. His voice was somewhat desperate and if anything, he felt quite embarrassed.

 

His daughter continued swinging her legs, “He said that fruit pops are-”

 

“No, Morgan. No.” Steve was practically groveling at this point. He sounded exasperated but he had to know. He _had_ to. “Do you remember what he said about me?”

 

“Hmmm…” She pondered, tilting her head toward the trees, “He said that… he and you used to look up at the stars too.”

 

Steve remembered every minute detail. He missed the feeling of Tony’s warmth when their bodies were intertwined in each other's embrace. Steve danced his fingertips through Tony’s soft curls and then his husband used to look up at him with an everlasting love that made Steve feel that as long as Tony, his entire world, was in his arms, everything in life would be okay. Then, the kiss. The kiss that held enough fire to shine through the coldest and darkest moments of Steve's life. In Tony’s eyes, lips, arms, Steve knew that he had found his place.

 

He found his home.  

 

Steve sniffled and blinked away the tears, “Is that… is that all he said, Morgan?”

 

“He also told me that you saved him. Like… like a knight in shining armor from the stories he reads to me before I go to sleep.” She made her arms wide, “He said you saved him from...   _all_ of the bad guys!”

 

“You’re his hero, Papa!”

 

It didn’t take long for the tears to slip down Steve’s face and stain his jeans. He looked away from Morgan and wiped them with his sleeve. There was no way to bring back the past. It hurt, it hurt more than anything, but he and Tony tried. They tried to get their happy endings.  

 

That, was probably the hardest part, actually _trying_ in the first place. They took the jump together and didn't know where they were gonna come down. But they still did it. _Together_. Tony helped him get back into the world when he thought he had lost… everyone.

 

He helped him take those little brave baby steps into becoming a new person. Even though it didn’t work out as well as either of them hoped, Steve knew he had to keep on moving forward. He had to try to become whole again. But, he had to move on first.

 

He had to move on.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Feedback is always appreciated. :)


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